government mule
This government mule hopes to avoid future whippings and scaldings.

After years of being mercilessly whipped by his keepers, a government mule has retreated into retirement like a scalded dog.

The mule, which endured countless slobberknockers during its 20-year period of servitude, reportedly looked as if it had been in a car wreck.

“God as my witness, he was broken in half,” said one observer.

The government mule has reportedly retreated — tail between its legs, having been severely scalded — to rural Oklahoma, where it is looking forward to a more peaceful existence eating barbeque sauce and watching football.

The mule had spent two decades enslaved by a totalitarian government — the monarchy of McMahonistan — during which it suffered ritual abuse, despite “knowing how to fall.”

In retirement, the mule hopes to avoid future whippings and scaldings.

“Business is about to slow down,” said the mule.