Meteorologists have traced the exceptionally cold winter weather that has gripped much of North America to its source: former WCW professional wrestler Glacier.
“I know it sounds strange, but the radar doesn’t lie,” said Lloyd Edmunds, senior meteorologist at the US National Weather Office.
“The polar vortex is clearly emanating from the mysterious lair of a karate-trained professional wrestler wearing a strange mask and blue spandex — a man known as Glacier.”
The news comes as a shock to many who assumed that Glacier — like many glaciers worldwide — had receded into non-existence due to global warming and the general mismanagement of WCW.
The subzero temperatures that have created dangerous conditions across the United States and Canada have, however, been attributed to Glacier’s trademark finisher, The Ice Pick.
Climatologists have suggested that Glacier’s reign of frigid terror over the continent can be stopped by increasing greenhouse gas emissions.
Based on past experience, however, some experts have suggested that Glacier can be driven back into irrelevance with a spear from Goldberg.