Foreign object wrestling
The former foreign object, which spent many years nestled beside Randy Savage’s genitalia, became a US citizen this week

After decades of illegal residency in the spandex trunks of dastardly professional wrestlers, an illegal foreign object has finally obtained its American citizenship.

The object, believed to be a pair of brass knuckles or a roll of quarters (few people, particularly wrestling referees, have managed to get a good look at it), was reportedly fed up with hiding in the sweaty groins of rulebreaking wrestlers.

It was also sick of constant badgering from patriotic zealot Zeb Colter, who criticized the object for taking away employment opportunities from American-made concealable blunt objects.

During its citizenship ceremony, the object vowed that it will abide by all  laws, and will not get involved with professional wrestling except during matches officially deemed “no holds barred.”

The object is considering a career in Combat Zone Wrestling (CZW), in which self-loathing masochists are free to maim themselves with a variety of bizarre, pointy objects for the amusement of bloodthirsty slack-jawed rednecks.