Having achieved tremendous success with its “Crown Jewel” events in Saudi Arabia, sports-entertainment company WWE announced today a series of upcoming events in the Middle Earth capital of Mordor.
The events, reportedly to be called King of the One Ring to Rule Them All, will be held in Sammath Naur (“Chambers of Fire”) atop Mount Doom, and broadcast live on the WWE Network.
During a press conference this morning held outside Mordor’s Black Gate, WWE mogul Vince McMahon was joined by Sauron, ruler of Mordor and former chief lieutenant Dark Lord Morgoth.
“Quite frankly, I like Sauron’s style, quite frankly,” said McMahon. “By joining forces for King of the One Ring to Rule Them All, Lord Sauron and I will be more powerful than the armies of Númenor, quite frankly.”
Sauron, clad in a suit of armour and a red “Make Middle Earth Great Again” baseball cap, said: “Venenya vilyanirwanen ná WWE quanta as angolingwi,” which translates from the Quenya language as “WWE will do wonders for Mordor’s economy, and for evil in general.”
The event, to be held on the 73rd day of Harvestmath (February 27, 2020 in human calendars), is rumored to include several marquee matches:
- Brock Lesnar vs. Golfimbul the Chieftain of the Orcs of Mount Gram
- Braun Strowman vs. Grishnákh the Orc Captain of the Plains of Rohan
- Natalya vs. Primula Brandybuck in a “historic” first-time bout between a human female and a hobbit in the traditionally patriarchal Middle Earth.
- Over-the-top-rope battle royal featuring 10,000 orcs, elves, goblins, river spirits, dwarves, balrogs, and Zack Ryder