finn balor
Ashamed of his “buddha belly” and love handles, Finn ßålôR covers his shame with a leather jacket.

Perpetually portly professional wrestler Finn “King Kong” Bálor revealed today that he has made a personal commitment to shedding his flab in 2019 by finally watching his diet and going to the gym at least twice a week.

“I’m tired of being ashamed of the slob I see in the mirror,” Bálör wrote in an online forum for obese people with weight-loss goals.

Added Bálðr: “New year, new me.”

Bálör has struggled with his weight since his childhood in Ireland, where he grew up in decadent royalty as the only son of King and Queen Devitt.

He has vowed to change his diet — currently a high-starch and high-sugar diet of potatoes and frosted Lucky Charms — by adopting a regimen of vitamins, prayer, and ICO PRO.

Though currently best known for signature moves like the Avalanche and the Banzai Drop, båLøR hopes to lose enough weight to someday perform a maneuver from the top rope.

He also hopes that, if he slims down, he’ll “save a bundle of money on body paint.”

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