World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that, despite having already expanded SummerSlam to four hours, the the event has now been allotted another extra hour to allow sufficient time for The Undertaker to walk to the ring.
The change was made after WWE executives became aware that distance between the locker room and the ring at Brooklyn’s Barclays Center is 20 percent longer than at typical arenas.
It was calculated that the Undertaker — who lumbers ominously to the ring at the pace of a tranquilized sea cucumber — will require at least 47 minutes to reach the ring, followed by another six minutes to magically turn on the arena lights and remove his hat.
For several years in the early 2000s, WWE bosses forced The Undertaker to ride a motorcycle to the ring to avoid wasted time, but that changed when the so-called Phenom lost his license for riding without a helmet.
Rather than remove any undercard matches from SummerSlam — all the matches, especially Ryback vs. The Miz vs. The Big Show, are considered essential viewing — WWE execs decreed that SummerSlam will be the longest event in WWE history (even though a typical 30-minute episode of Total Divas feels longer).
According to backstage sources, the executives are considering adding a sixth hour to accommodate the requisite number of times commentator Michael Cole must plug the WWE App.