Cena never give up
Terry Bartlett gave up sometime around the grunge era.

Despite claiming to espouse John Cena’s motivational credo of “Never Give Up,” 42-year-old wrestling fan Terry Bartlett clearly gave up a long time ago.

Bartlett, a 387-pound former janitor currently “between jobs,” says he admires and emulates Cena’s can-do attitude in the face of adversity, yet exhibits none of the same traits in his own approach to life.

“I’m all about hustle, loyalty and respect,” said Bartlett, a fluorescent ringĀ of Cheeto dust encircling his mouth, having not washed himself in more than a week.

Inspired by Cena, Bartlett often grants what he calls “Make-a-Wish” visits to local fast food outlets, bakeries, and confectionaries, where he “brings smiles to the faces” of staff.

Bartlett insists he will be “a member of the Chain Gang for life,” which his doctor warns will be approximately another six months.