Rory Burman, who recently awakened from a decade-long vegetative following a backyard moonsault attempt, hoarsely whispered his surprise at the sight of wrestling cheerleaders The Spirit Squad still in WWE.

At first, Burman assumed he had only briefly dozed off while watching Smackdown in 2006, and was shocked when doctors told him 10 years had passed.

“But…but…,” said 33-year-old Burman, stroking his overgrown beard in befuddlement, “surely the Spirit Squad hasn’t been around for… 10 years?!”

Burman’s confusion only worsened when he noticed that Nicky, his favorite member of the Spirit Squad, had been repackaged with the ludicrous monicker “Dolph Ziggler.”

“That’ll never work!” gasped Burman. “Why would WWE push someone with a stupid name like Dolph Ziggler?”

Burman then discovered that WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump had become president of the United States, and promptly slipped back into a coma.