Seeking the kind of leadership that will put his faltering presidential bid back on track, Republican candidate Donald Trump today appointed former professional wrestler Eugene as his campaign manager.
Eugene, a very special young man with tremendous grappling skills and a heart of gold, has not been seen in the WWE spotlight for nearly a decade. He has occupied himself with finger-painting, jumping excitedly up and down, and repeatedly reading the coloring-book edition of Trump’s memoir, The Art of the Deal.
Although not known for his intellect, Eugene is a zany-haired, barely literate goofball with a knack for over-the-top theatrics, which makes him perfectly suited to Trump’s campaign. He is also a straight-A graduate of Trump University.
Eugene got to work immediately today with a series of recommendations for Trump’s campaign:
- “Don’t be mean.”
- “No grabbing ladies by their kittycats.”
- “Uncle Eric for Vice President.”
- “Make America Hug Again.”
In related news, democratic candidate Hillary Clinton also appointed a new campaign advisor, Slick — a jive soul bro who always lies to his friends.