trump and eugene
Donald Trump says Eugene will make his campaign “smart, so smart, the smartest campaign.”

Seeking the kind of leadership that will put his faltering presidential bid back on track, Republican candidate Donald Trump today appointed former professional wrestler Eugene as his campaign manager.

Eugene, a very special young man with tremendous grappling skills and a heart of gold, has not been seen in the WWE spotlight for nearly a decade. He has occupied himself with finger-painting, jumping excitedly up and down, and repeatedly reading the coloring-book edition¬†of Trump’s memoir, The Art of the Deal.

Although not known for his intellect, Eugene is a zany-haired, barely literate goofball with a knack for over-the-top theatrics, which makes him perfectly suited to Trump’s campaign. He is also a straight-A graduate of Trump University.

Eugene got to work immediately today with a series of recommendations for Trump’s campaign:

  • “Don’t be mean.”
  • “No grabbing ladies by their kittycats.”
  • “Uncle Eric for Vice President.”
  • “Make America Hug Again.”

In related news, democratic candidate Hillary Clinton also appointed a new campaign advisor, Slick — a jive soul bro who always lies to his friends.