Locker room suspendedThe world of professional wrestling is reeling today after the entire WWE roster room was slapped with a 30-day suspension amid allegations of “locker room banter” in the locker room.

“World Wrestling Entertainment’s Politeness Policy has a zero-tolerance policy for locker room banter — especially in its locker rooms,” reads a press release issued today from the company’s Connecticut headquarters. “Bantering of any kind must happen outside of the locker rooms.”

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WWE has also banned locker room chit-chat, repartee, joshing, small talk, prattling, and breeze-shooting.

Details are scant regarding what has been bantered about in WWE locker rooms, though some sources say the banter may have involved:

  • An in-ring “live sex celebration”
  • Somebody’s ass calling somebody
  • Inappropriate sexual advances toward the lifeless body of a woman named Katie Vick
  • An interracial, intergenerational love affair that resulted in the birth of a hand
  • Two words that DX has for you if you’re not down with that

One anonymous source, however, insists that the vast majority of WWE locker room banter is philosophical debates about whether human freewill can truly exist if our minds consist of atoms and particles that behave in a probabilistic manner according to the laws of quantum mechanics.