universal roman
Roman Reigns travels through hyperspace to his first title defence as Universal Champion, squaring off against Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz.

All inhabitants of the vast cosmos — from Earthlings to Betelgeusians to the Strangulous Stilettans of Jajazikstak — are united in jubilation today after Roman Reigns defeated Brock Lesnar to become the universe’s new champion.

“We, the diverse species of this infinite and mysterious universe, finally have a champion who represents us all — and shows up to Raw every week,” gurgled Slartibartfast the Magrathean, his words translated into English via babel fish. “I mean, Brock never even left that pathetic planet Earth, for crying out loud.”

On exoplanet Kepler 452b, a gaggle of Amoeboid Zingatularians erupted into shrieks of joy at the culmination of SummerSlam — which they watched via hyperspace wormhole on the WWE NeuralNetwork — when Roman Reigns earned his rightful place as Champion of the Universe (and, by extension, the de facto overlord of roughly 72 trillion species of large canids).

While Reigns is a polarizing figure here on Earth — popular with children and women, disliked by lonely and odorous men — he is unanimously beloved across the rest of the universe, from the plasma oceans of Alpha Centauri to the darkest corners of Golgafrincham, where a species of superintelligent poets spend their nights soliloquizing about the “Yard o’ the Big Dog.”

Reigns is already scheduled to defend his Universal Championship in a “Last Humanoid or Reptilian Standing Match” against the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal at the upcoming “Hell in a Hypercube” event, which will be available on pay-per-view for customers whose eyes can see 17 dimensions simultaneously.

According to some string theorists, Reigns’ biggest challenge will come from Quantar the Entangler, the current reigning and defending Multiversal Champion.


Leave a Comment