Renowned singer-songwriter and occasional professional wrestler Elias [SURNAME REDACTED] was “pleasantly surprised” this week when, perched atop a stool in a WWE ring, he realized he had nothing derogatory to say about the city in which he was performing.
Although he typically strums his guitar and sings off-key diatribes mocking various facets of whichever municipality he happens be visiting on a given night, Elias found himself with only complimentary things to say during a non-televised “house show” in Kitchener, Ontario.
“I’ve travelled the world, and I’ve got to say,” Elias warbled tone-deafly, “Kitchener seems to be quite A-okay! Your hockey team plays well, your women are hot, and as Enzo would say, that cannot be taught.”
It was the first time in Elias’ career — either as a wrestler or a multi-platinum-selling recording artist — that he has thoroughly enjoyed visiting a new place.
According to backstage sources, Elias went out on the town after the show in hopes to find something to hate, but instead bought a house.