Renowned singer-songwriter and professional wrestler Elias [SURNAME REDACTED] confirmed today that he will inherit the time-honoured tradition of singing America the Beautiful at WrestleMania, though he says he’ll do so with “alternate lyrics.”
A performance of America the Beautiful is, for many fans, the biggest highlight of WrestleMania each year, and has featured the vocal stylings of timeless music icons such as Fantasia Barrino, Keri Hilson, and Rockin’ Robin.
Fans will be encouraged to “Stand with Elias” while he performs his rendition of the patriotic song, which shares the distinction of being “America’s unofficial national anthem” alongside Rick Derringer’s “Real American.”
Yesterday’s reports that America the Beautiful will be sung by “Chloe X Halle” are clearly false, because that is a silly made-up name for a musical act.
Although Elias has not confirmed what his “alternate lyrics” will be, a leaked document purportedly from his computer reveals the following revised lyrics:
O beautiful, or smoggy skies,
For amber waves of blah,
For Walmart urban sprawl
All you sheep say baaaa.
God dropped the ball with you.
Your beloved local sports teams are terrible
From sea to slimy sea!
The rest of the lyrics include scathing insults to every conceivable member of the WWE audience and everything they hold dear. Paradoxically, it is expected that the performance will make Elias more popular than ever.