elias album
According to rock critic Mick Wall, Elias’ debut album “makes Abbey Road sound like vomiting toads.”

While most music industry pundits expected to the debut album of singer-songwriter and sports-entertainer Elias [SURNAME REDACTED] to be a chart-topper, few could have predicted that it would shatter all previous sales records and single-handedly revitalize the beleaguered music industry.

The four-song album, Walk With Elias, has been heralded by Rolling Stone magazine as a “pivotal moment in music history, eclipsing even great 20th century albums like Sgt. Pepper’s, Pet Sounds, and Piledriver.

The album’s lead-off track, “The Ballad of Every Town I’ve Ever Been To,” has been described by veteran rock journalist Greil Marcus as “simultaneously an indictment and celebration of desperate urban sprawl and the death of Americana, sung with aching beauty by the most important voice of a generation.”

Elias has remained characteristically jaded and cynical about the album’s blockbuster success, insisting that he has “always been the greatest, and the idiots in dumpy towns across this wretched country are finally noticing.”

Rumors abound that Elias is already recording a follow-up album, but that progress has been slow because he keeps smashing his guitars over the heads of people who annoy him, which is everyone.