World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) hosted its annual Elimination Chamber pay-per-view last night, and normally we would publish a full rundown of the results, but our stupid DVR recorded a marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress” instead, so here is what we assume to be a wholly accurate rundown of what happened on the PPV.
Women’s Elimination Chamber Match: Clearly Mandy Rose has paid her dues and is completely “over” with fans as a top heel, so she came out on top, defeating her opponents with a staggering 720 moonsault from the top of the chamber.
Asuka vs. Nia Jax: Asuka has run her course in WWE — just call her the Empress of Yesterday — and it is time for Nia Jax to shine. The pint-sized Asuka never stood a chance against such a bigger, stronger opponent. This was a comical mismatch from the start. Did anybody really think Asuka would win?
“Woken” Matt Hardy vs. Bray Wyatt: Bray Wyatt wins with outside interference from the Bludgeon Brothers. WWE has been flawless in its booking of Bray Wyatt, never letting his character get stale or his mystique fade. Just call Wyatt the “deleter of worlds.”
Ronda Rousey Contract Signing: It was a cordial and efficacious legal proceeding, as expected, and no tables were harmed.
Cesaro and Sheamus vs. Titus Worldwide: Due to a paperwork error, this match was booked with a 30-second time limit, thereby ending quickly in a draw.
Men’s Elimination Chamber Match: By process of elimination, it was easy to predict who wouldn’t win. Clearly it wouldn’t be Roman Reigns. WWE listens to its fanbase, and the fans have made it clear they’re not interested in Roman Reigns versus Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. John Cena wouldn’t win this one, because he’s already scheduled to face a WWE legend at WrestleMania (Velveteen Dream). The Miz couldn’t win, since he’s scheduled to be shooting a film — The Marine 14: This Time It’s In Space — at WrestleMania time. Elias didn’t stand a chance, because he’ll be touring throughout April in support of his forthcoming album, Tone-Deaf Muscleman Insults Your Town. Finn Balor couldn’t win, because, I mean, come on — Balor against Lesnar? Nah. So the winner, and the man facing Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania, was the SURPRISE ENTRANT INTO THE MATCH, CM PUNK!
Wow, what a show.
We nailed it, right?