Dusty Rhodes battleground
Dusty Rhodes is feeling flabby enough to return to in-ring action.

Legendary professional wrestler Dusty Rhodes says he is ready is ready to get back into the ring at tonight’s Battleground pay-per-view, thanks to a strict regimen of no exercise and an all-Twinkie diet.

“I’m back in fighting form, baby,” said Rhodes, who has spent the past several weeks trying to get his body into the same condition as in his 1980s heyday.

“I haven’t felt this fat and ungainly in years!”

Rhodes, who will battle alongside his sons, Cody and Dustin, said he was apprehensive about returning to the ring after a long retirement, but is now confident that he has plumped up to his ideal fighting weight.

“I feel like I’m 25 years younger,” said said the flabby 323-pounder.

“My belly is huge, my complexion is sickly, and my splotch is looking better than ever.”

Although it is expected that the Rhodes sons will do the majority of the actual combat, it is widely believed that Dusty will perform several atomic elbows prior to being resuscitated with a defibrillator.