A hospital in Minneapolis was inundated with patients suffering from sudden blindness and severe ocular pain today following an autograph signing at a nearby Walmart featuring WWE stars Sheamus and Paige.
Witnesses described a flash of light akin to a thermonuclear detonation when the popular wrestlers emerged from their limousine, and onlookers who were not wearing sunglasses were immediately injured.
Screams of panic and terror erupted as dozens of wrestling fans covered their bleeding, burning eyes, and the unpigmented wrestlers were quickly whisked away from the scene by handlers wearing welding masks.
World Wrestling Entertainment is unlikely to face lawsuits, however, because fans in attendance were required to sign a waiver urging them to not look directly at the wrestlers.
One fan, 28-year-old Tyler McCurdy, has been told by doctors that he will likely never see again, and will be disfigured by scarring around his eyes.
“But I think I caught a glimpse of Paige’s nipple before I went blind,” McCurdy said, “so it was totally worth it.”