deathmatch czw
Wrestlers perform a violent and bloody deathmatch. Both men survive.

A new study released by the American Journal of Sports Medicine reveals that the mortality rate for professional wrestling deathmatches is, surprisingly, zero per cent.

“The word ‘deathmatch’ is apparently something of a misnomer, since thousands of such matches have failed to result in even a single death,” says the report.

“Even bowling has a higher mortality rate.”

More than 750 so-called deathmatches are held in legion halls, grassy fields and high school gyms every year. Though most of these matches are indeed quite gruesome — bloody lacerations, scrapes and thumbtack-punctures are commonplace — not a single deathmatch has delivered what the name implies.

“That’s odd,” said Necro Butcher, a notoriously violent wrestler who has been crowned King of the Deathmatch in several different promotions. “But now that I think about it, I can’t think of even one damn death during a deathmatch. I certainly have never died during one.”

According to the new study, the complete absence of fatalities in deathmatch wrestling could be partly attributed to the types of weapons frequently utilized.

“Thumbtacks create only small puncture wounds that heal quickly and don’t damage internal organs,” says the report. “Fluorescent light tubes break quite easily, and are mainly harmful due to the mercury vapor released when they break. The plastic water jug at the end of a broomstick — we don’t really even understand what the deal is with that one.”

While deathmatch wrestlers certainly endure a significant amount of pain, and injuries do occur, they are apparently at no risk of dying.

“From a mortality standpoint, deathmatch wrestling is statistically one of the safest activities in which an individual can partake,” says the report. “More people die every year by slipping in the shower.”

The report concludes by suggesting that the term “deathmatch wrestling” be changed to the more accurate, yet rather syntactically clunkier, “wrestling in which ugly men voluntarily maim themselves for very little money.”