curt hawkins wins
Brock Lesnar (left, with awful chest tattoo) recoils in shock after a quick, clean loss to Curt Hawkins.

After losing more than 100 successive matches, professional wrestler Curt Hawkins is celebrating what has been dubbed the “Miracle in Toledo” after defeating WWE Universal Champion Brock Lesnar at a non-televised WWE live event in Ohio. 

Roughly 6,000 fans at the Toledo Community Sports Arena erupted when Hawkins, after nailing Lesnar with his patented “Heat-Seeking Elbow,” scored a clean pinfall victory over the so-called Beast Incarnate. 

Although the bout was a non-title match, Hawkins is reportedly being celebrated as a hero in the WWE locker room after achieving a feat neither the Undertaker nor Braun Strowman nor James Ellsworth could accomplish. 

After today’s victory in Toledo, however, the entire landscape of WWE has shifted: Lesnar will become the fourth member of The New Day, Strowman will be demoted to 205 Live, and Hawkins will main-event WrestleMania in a fatal four-way match against Conor McGregor, Ronda Rousey, and former WCW Champion David Arquette.