Vince Russo pole match
Vince Russo undergoes his monthly humiliation to retrieve his welfare check.

Controversial professional wrestling writer and matchmaker Vince Russo endures a humiliating ordeal each month when his local welfare office forces him to retrieve his check from atop a tall poll.

“Aw, c’mon bro,” Russo sighed yesterday upon arriving at the Tampa Welfare Office, seeing clerk Troy Quinn (a longtime wrestling fan who blames Russo for the downfall of WCW) hanging a $300 check from an outdoor flagpole.

“Bro,” Russo added, dejected. “C’mon bro.”

Russo has fallen on hard financial times since his mid-1990s heyday as one of the wrestling industry’s most incendiary figures, forcing him to rely on social assistance and the meagre royalties he receives anytime someone mentions him on the WWE Network.

His fondness of “Items on a Pole” matches (Title on a Pole, Contract on a Pole, David Arquette’s Faltering Career on a Pole, etc.) has remained one of his most enduring legacies.

As Russo shimmied up the welfare office flagpole (which was greased for the extra amusement of employees) to snatch his check yesterday, he lamented not having saved more money from his lucrative glory days suckling on Ted Turner’s financial teat.

“Bro,” he whispered to himself as a single tear trickled down his cheek, “bro.”