Former professional wrestler Daniel Bryan has grown reclusive and cantankerous in retirement, whiling away the hours by sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch, drinking light beer, and yelling at neighbourhood teens to stay off his lawn.

Crazy Ol’ Man Bryan, as neighbors call the old coot, has let his Sarasota home fall into disrepair, and has forsaken his former vegan diet for a steady stream of Slim Jims and Lucky Strike cigarettes.

Although Bryan retired from professional wrestling just days ago, his decline into curmudgeonly decrepitude has been rapid and dramatic.

“I worked my whole damn life, and now I ain’t gotta work for nobody,” says Bryan, launching a gob of saliva into a spittoon. “I don’t owe nobody nuthin’ no more.”

According to neighbours, Bryan’s wife, Brie Bella, has ballooned up to 450 pounds and spends her days watching Maury Povich reruns in bed.