wwe super show-down
More than 2 million wrestling fans awoke early for WWE Super Show-Down, and 1.99 million quickly fell asleep again.

More than 2 million wrestling fans in North America collectively achieved a milestone yesterday by waking up before dawn, rather than wallowing in a malodorous wad of bedsheets until the urge to urinate overpowers them.

“Nnnummmphhhh,” harrumphed 37-year-old Tyler Beaton of St. Louis, pushing his elephantine form out of bed at 4:59 a.m. in order to witness the live broadcast of WWE’s Super Show-Down from Australia. “Ugh, why is it so dark [guttural phlegm-clearing gurgles].”

The vast time difference between Australia and the United States — roughly 84 hours — means fans had to wake up unusually early to witness the event.

Due to the curvature of the Earth, the speed of light, and the rules of Einstein’s theory of general relativity, the WWE Super Show-Down was shot live in Australia, but the signal took a full 17 hours to reach American fans, though the wrestlers themselves were actually performing in the future, due to time dilation.

According to ratings statistics, 94 percent of fans who awoke for the event were fast asleep again before the second match began.