The inmates at the Cobb County Correctional Facility have been running amok for nearly six years now, highlighting the desperate need to find a successor to the late prison guard who once maintained order there.

Job postings in the Cobb County Daily Journal have yet to attract a suitable applicant for the role of Head Prison Guard, partly due to the very specific skills needed for the job.

“The successful applicant will be an overweight and violent man adept at spinning a nightstick in a showy, intimidating manner,” reads the posting. “A history of cruelty to animals is an asset.”

The former prison guard was universally feared by inmates for his brash persona, his intimidating tirades (or “promos,” as he called them), and his tremendous agility for a big man.

The only inmate who dared challenge the former guard was a hulking, blond-haired prisoner known only by the nickname “Nailz.”