Elusive professional wrestler CM Punk has emerged from self-imposed exile with a visibly heavier frame and having apparently acquired a taste for alcohol.
Punk waddled out of his Chicago apartment building this afternoon and clumsily zig-zagged down the sidewalk to a nearby pizzeria, where he demanded “an extra-large pie with everything and three bottles of Pepsi.”
Punk became belligerent when the pizzeria staff failed to realize who he was, and began berating them with slurred phrases like “I’m da besht in the world” and “voish of the voishlesh.”
Punk had not been seen since he “walked out” of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) in late-January, leading many to speculate that he was taking a principled stand against what he perceived as poor management.
But the recent sighting of Punk, morbidly obese and reeking of Peach Schnapps, indicates that he has merely been on a gluttonous bender.
The behavior is in stark conflict with Punk’s purported “straight-edge” lifestyle — a strict abstinence from drugs and alcohol — leading many to speculate that the rigors of professional wrestling pushed him to his breaking point.
Friends and family of Punk’s have placed the blame squarely on wrestler Chris Jericho, who once forcibly poured whiskey into Punk’s mouth.