Cesaro MITB
Cesaro (FIRST NAME REDACTED) holds his homemade Money in the Bank briefcase

Frustrated after being repeatedly overlooked as a main-event player in World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), professional wrestler Cesaro today purchased a steel briefcase, forged a title shot contract, and resolved to await the perfect opportunity to capitalize.

“Sheamus, seriously?” said a bewildered Cesaro — and millions of wrestling fans worldwide — when the ginger Celt successfully “cashed in” a Money in the Bank title shot at Sunday’s Survivor Series event to become champion.

Even though Cesaro [FIRST NAME REDACTED] is currently sidelined with an injury, he┬ábelieves that he — or Dean Ambrose, or even the Brooklyn Brawler — would have made for a more satisfying champion at the conclusion of Survivor Series.

Determined to grasp the proverbial brass ring, Cesaro went to Walmart this morning and purchased a steel briefcase and scrawled the words “Money in the Bank” on it with Sharpie.

Then, on a piece of WWE letterhead, he wrote “This contract entitles Cesaro to one (1) title shot,” and placed it in the briefcase.

Although the contract is not legally binding, Cesaro figures that doesn’t matter, since nobody ever looks inside the briefcase during cash-ins anyway.