World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced this morning that WrestleMania 32 will be headlined by John Cena, making his triumphant return after a hiatus, in a “once-in-a-lifetime” showdown against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

The unprecedented bout was announced to boost early ticket sales for WrestleMania, which will be held April 3 at the AT&T Stadium in Texas in front of what WWE insists will be “at least a bazillion fans.”

Cena-versus-Rock is “a dream match that many fans never thought they’d get to see,” according to a press release issued today from WWE’s Connecticut headquarters.

Boasting the tagline “Never Before, Never Again, We Promise,” the match will finally settle the longstanding dispute over which signature maneuver is more insulting to the intelligence of fans: the Five-Knuckle Shuffle or the People’s Elbow.

A small but vocal minority of wrestling fans insist that Cena and The Rock have actually faced one other before, including at two successive WrestleManias.

A statement issued by WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, however, dismisses such allegations as “pure poppycock.”