Wrestlers calling spots
John Cena “calls spots” to opponent Ryback with the megaphone he acquired from Jimmy Hart.

Already notorious for the excessive volume with which he “calls spots” in the ring, professional wrestler John Cena has decided to eschew discretion entirely by communicating with his opponents via megaphone.

During a recent match, Cena’s voice squelched noisily through the device: “Duck my clothesline, leapfrog, shoulder tackle.” His opponent, Ryback, with ears ringing from the high volume at close range, followed the prescribed move-set exactly, and fans in the back row of the arena nodded approvingly at his ability to follow directions.

“Calling spots” is a common practice in professional wrestling, but for decades it was largely unknown to fans because wrestlers whispered to one another, often concealed by long hair.

Having decided that such subterfuge is outdated, Cena began loudly uttering — and then outright shouting — spots in recent years, and the megaphone is the next step in progression.

Cena reportedly acquired the megaphone from Jimmy Hart, whose home was recently featured on the TV show Hoarders because it was overflowing with megaphones and ugly jackets.

Some fans believe Cena’s audible utterances destroy the artifice of wrestling, exposing it as a predetermined charade. But that’s stupid, because wrestling is totally, 100 percent real, and anyone who says otherwise is clearly an idiot.