cena retirement
“I do love sports entertainment,” Cena said, “but nothing beats getting crafty with glitter and glue!”

Professional sports-entertainer and legendary hip hop recording artist John Cena shocked fans yesterday when, during the WWE Super Show-Down event in Australia, he announced he would hang up the jorts for good in order to devote himself fully to scrapbooking.

“I have had a wonderful run in WWE,” Cena said, eyes welling with tears, “and I can’t wait to arrange all my photos and knickknacks from my career into funky, DIY albums.”

Many fans were surprised to learn about Cena’s passion for scrapbooking, as they assumed his other hobbies were bodybuilding, bringing happiness to sick children, and performing rhythmically clunky rhyming couplets.

But Cena revealed last night on Twitter that sports-entertaining is not even in his “top 10” favorite pastimes, which include:

  • embroidery
  • quantum mechanical approaches to early-universe d-brane theory
  • stamp collecting
  • Gilmore Girls trivia
  • homeopathy

Cena said his decision to retire was solidified after he noticed someone with a wrestling blog had said he “sucks,” which hurt Cena’s feelings and made him question his aptitude for pro wrestling.