Just days after re-inventing himself as a fun-loving manchild, professional sports-entertainer Bray Wyatt has reportedly set out on what is being described as a “big adventure” in search of his heavily accessorized bicycle, which was recently stolen from his Firefly Fun House.
Wyatt noticed the bicycle was missing from his hall of mirrors after he heard a loud squawk from his friend Buzzy the Buzzard, who lives in a magical cardboard box in Wyatt’s rumpus room.
Desperate for clues as to the whereabouts of his beloved bicycle (or “bo-loved bo-cycle,” as his brother calls it), Wyatt consulted a psychic, who told him the bike is being held in the basement of the Alamo.
The former Eater of Worlds, who now prefers to be known as the Eater of Jellybeans, embarked on a madcap adventure that led him to meet an increasingly bizarre cast of characters, from a ghost trucker named Large Marge to a greedily nefarious business tycoon named V.K. McMann.
Throughout his big adventure, Wyatt has maintained the cheery demeanour and childlike wonder he displayed during his recent WWE return, cheerily singing ditties like “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.”
During a particularly hilarious hubbub yesterday, Wyatt danced in a biker bar to the song Tequila — and then proceeded to destroy the bikers’ motorcycles with a chainsaw, laughing maniacally in the process.
A spokesperson for Wyatt insists there is “no truth whatsoever” to rumors that Wyatt was seen doing inappropriate things in a darkened adult cinema yesterday.