Professional wrestler Bray Wyatt, the enigmatic leader of the cult-like Wyatt Family, can now summon lightning bolts from the rafters of arenas, because logic schmogic.
During a recent episode of WWE’s flagship weekly program, Monday Night Raw, Wyatt uttered some convoluted gibberish, raised his arms and made commanded bolts to blast the ring posts, because apparently that’s a thing that can happen now.
According to one source within WWE, the company’s so-called Creative Team decided to give Wyatt godlike superpowers after realizing that wrestling fans will obediently accept any dumb shit.
A leaked script for next week’s episode of Raw reveals that Wyatt will soon begin shooting lightning bolts out of his eyes, which his nemesis The Undertaker will deflect with his urn-powered zombie forcefield.
The Undertaker’s brother Kane, meanwhile, will emerge from his fiery abode underneath the ring, where he lives in a cozy bungalow with Hornswoggle, who is a magical goddamn leprechaun.
A wrestling match between Cesaro and Kevin Owens, meanwhile, will be cancelled due to time constraints.