austin beers
Steve Austin argues that everyone he hit with the Stone Cold Stunner “had it coming to them.”

Legendary sports-entertainer “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, testifying before a senate inquiry into his appointment to WWE’s Supreme Rules Committee, said he enjoyed “the occasional beer” during the Attitude Era, but says he committed only sober and consensual ass-whuppings.

“Sure, I cracked a few Steveweisers after a match,” he said, “but I only stomped mudholes into sons-of-bitches who signed on the dotted line.”

Controversy has swirled around Austin ever since WWE President Vince McMahon appointed him to the Supreme Rules Committee, which oversees legal issues such as the maximum length of tag ropes, proper pacing of 10-counts, and legitimacy of drugged-kidnappings-to-drive-through-weddings (the landmark 1999 case of Helmsley v. McMahon).

Allegations of inappropriate stunning and bird-flipping have dogged Austin since the nomination, leading many senators to call for a thorough weeklong investigation by the FBI (Full-Blooded Italians).

Austin vehemently denies the allegations, but when pressed for evidence, he repeatedly defers to the 316th amendment — the so-called “because Stone Cold said so” defence.