Despite being broadcast live on international television, and depicted from multiple angles in dazzling high-definition, an attempted vehicular homicide at a WWE event is being treated with mysterious indifference by local authorities.
The incident, which was captured my numerous serendipitously placed cameras backstage during a broadcast of WWE Smackdown, clearly shows a crazed man with a preposterous ponytail deliberately ramming a forklift into a luxury containing his rivals.
But because law enforcement have oddly declined to investigate, Kayfabe News is unable to verify the identity of any alleged suspects or victims in the case.
Witnesses, however, report that the driver of the forklift seemed to resemble a shaved albino mountain gorilla wearing a hat, and with a phallus tattooed on its chest.
Somehow, against all odds, there were no injuries in the crash, thank goodness. That seems hard to believe, given the horrific circumstances, which were depicted so clearly, but everyone escaped without a scratch. It almost defies reason!
This was not the first vehicular homicide to be attempted at a WWE event — it was actually the 274th. None has resulted in a single criminal charge. What is happening with policing in this country?