WWE surprise returns
Will Ahmed Johnson return to WWE at Fastlane? No. No he will not.

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) hosts its annual Fastlane event tonight, and speculation abounds as to which former superstars might return on the Road to WrestleMania.

To aid in the process of elimination, we’ve compiled this list of five wrestlers who, we can safely assume, will not be among the surprise returns. You’re welcome.

5. Ahmed Johnson

Since leaving WWE in the 1990s, he changed his first name to Dwayne and became a highly successful Hollywood actor.

4. Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell

This former Killer Bee is the reigning world champion of Ring of Honor, and thus contractually prevented from appearing at WWE events.

3. Sunny

The original Diva has stayed out of the headlines since departing WWE and is active in her church group, where she teaches girls how to be respectable, well-mannered Christians.

2. The Yeti

After a brief stint in WCW, this gifted athlete became an elite gymnast, winning bronze in the 2008 Olympics.

1. Mr. America

This identity of this patriotic masked man has never been revealed, but many fans believe he was portrayed by Dan Spivey, who has since retired from pro wrestling.


Don’t be a ham-and-egger — get a shirt!

Kayfabe Shirt collage