World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) is hosting its 287th pay-per-view of 2016 tonight, and here are five predictions you can take to the bank about whichever second-tier filler show this one is.

5. History Will Be Made!

Regardless of what happens on the pay-per-view — what is it, Backlash? Payback? Backpack? — commentator Michael Cole will emphatically holler that it is “history in the making,” which is technically true because of the nature of how time works, but still seems a bit hyperbolic, right?

4. Alliances Will be Tested!

You can expect to see some tension between tag team partners — are Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens still teasing a split? — at tonight’s event (Battleground? Cyber Sunday? Cockblock?). Who knows: maybe those Puerto Rican guys — The Twinkly Stars or whatever the bullfighters are called now — might have a falling out.

3. Some Poor Roadies Will Have to Frantically Switch to Purple Ring Ropes for the Cruiserweights

Longtime WWE ring crew members Steve Gudzowski and Larry Richardson will mutter swear words under their breath while hurriedly swapping out the normal ring ropes for purple ones, because that’s somehow important for distinguishing Cruiserweight matches from normal grown-up matches. Tonight’s event (Fastlash? Backpay?) will probably see TJ Perkins, Brian Kendrick and Rich Swann square off, since they’re pretty much the entire Cruiserweight division.

2. The New Day Will Talk Too Much

And for some reason, thousands of fans attending the event (Slapdash?) will laugh and laugh their fool heads off.

1. The Event Will End Miraculously on Time

Somehow, despite innumerable variables that should make its length impossible to predict, [INSERT PAY-PER-VIEW NAME] will end exactly on schedule, just like all previous pay-per-views have.

 

If you’re unable to watch Backsplash or whatever tonight, don’t worry: WWE will host its next pay-per-view (Badd Blooddd?) in three days.

 

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