1000th Raw a “sign of apocalypse” according to Mayan calendar
Tonight’s airing of the 1,000th episode of Monday Night Raw is a harbinger of the impending apocalypse, according to scholars of the ancient Mayan calendar.
“Mayan scriptures foretell that on today’s date — July 23, 2012 — a ‘momentous occasion’ created by a ‘powerful and ruthless leader’ will hasten the coming Apocalypse,” says Dr. Lawrence Kellerton, a professor of Mayan Studies at Yale University.
“Most interpretations of Mayan writings identify this ‘powerful and ruthless leader’ as a figure named ‘Mic Man’ — or ‘McMahon,’ in present-day parlance.”
According to this interpretation of ancient Mayan texts, “Mic Man” or “McMahon” is a disciple of the devil who has lulled the world into a complacent, zombie-like trance through a widespread form of dramatic, violent entertainment.
Many doomsday predictions have centered around Dec. 21 of this year — the day the Mayan calendar supposedly ends — but recent discoveries indicate that tonight’s episode of WWE Raw may be the true doomsday.
“Ancient writings of several pre-Columbian societies in Central America and South America foretell of a ‘great war’ that brings about the end times,” says Prof. Kellerton. “Is it a coincidence that Monday Night Raw used to be known by the phrase ‘Raw is War’? I don’t think so.”
Hypotheses about the apocalypse have been supported by the recent discovery of the long-lost biblical Book of Austin. Austin 3:17 reads: “And after one thousand rites, the dead shall riseth and whip thine ass.”