Leaked identification documents reveal that the cult-like cadre of sadistic hillbillies known to wrestling fans as The Wyatt Family previously attained pop-music stardom as sibling trio The Jonas Brothers.
Despite their best efforts to keep secret their previous lives as teen pop idols — growing beards, wearing sheep masks, reciting eerie mantras, committing unprompted acts of violence — the Wyatts can no longer hide that they are indeed Disney Channel sweethearts Nick, Joe and Paul Jonas.
The trio apparently adopted the creepy “Wyatt Family” personas in hopes of eschewing their goody-goody image, which helped them sell more than 17 million albums worldwide, predominantly to preteen girls and the developmentally delayed.
Nick Jonas was the first to transform, becoming “Bray Wyatt” (the de facto patriarch of the so-called family) following an ill-fated 2007 romance with Miley Cyrus (who, ironically, has since become too trashy even for Wyatt’s twisted tastes).
All three Jonas Brothers have gained considerable physical bulk since their teen stardom days, thanks largely to a diet consisting mostly of worlds.
Rumors about the Wyatt Family’s true identities began to circulate the internet after Bray Wyatt sang “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” with a familiar sweet falsetto last heard on the Jonas Brothers’ 2007 hit “Hold On.”
WWE is expected to capitalize on the revelation by releasing an album of ballads by the Wyatt Family called “Follow the Lovebirds.”