As a pre-emptive measure against any health or addiction problems that tend to befall professional wrestlers, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has ordered all current superstars to move into the Atlanta home of Diamond Dallas Page.
Every member of the WWE roster will henceforth live at the retired wrestler’s so-called “Accountability Crib,” adhering to a healthy, drug-free lifestyle and committing to an intense daily regimen of Page’s renowned DDP Yoga fitness program.
Rooming at Page’s house has enabled the life-saving transformations of down-on-their-luck former wrestlers Jake Roberts and Scott Hall, who have ascended from the depths of addiction thanks to Page’s incessantly positive motivation and usage of the nickname “bro.”
WWE COO Triple-H said in a press release that the measure is “the next logical step of our company’s Wellness Program.”
“Living with DDP is clearly the best way to ensure the long-term health of WWE® Superstars®.”
Some members of the WWE roster, however, are reportedly upset by the decision, insisting they already adhere to a healthy lifestyle and don’t need Page’s 24/7 support.
“It’s kind of overkill,” said WWE champ Daniel Bryan. “I mean, I’ve never had a drink in my life, and the hardest drug I’ve ever taken is a Tylenol — once, after neck surgery.”
Page himself admits the house “might be a bit cramped” with dozens of new occupants, but he shrugged it off with smile and said “it’s a good thing.”