World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), in keeping with its long tradition of hiring gargantuan monster bad guys, or “heels,” has signed Toronto mayor Rob Ford to a five-year deal.
The company is capitalizing on Ford’s international notoriety after the mayor — a 520-pound, seven-foot colossus fuelled by deception and gluttony — admitted this week to also smoking crack cocaine after months of flippant denial.
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon said at a press conference that Ford is “exactly the kind of disgusting, duplicitous, depraved monster WWE needs right now.”
Ford is expected to make his WWE debut on an upcoming episode of Monday Night Raw, going by the monicker “Mayor Mayhem.” He will feud with CM Punk, who professes a drug-free “straight-edge” lifestyle — perfect fodder for an entertaining grudge.
Ford is reminiscent of previous “monster heels” of professional wrestling such as King Kong Bundy, The One-Man Gang and, most similarly, Bastion Booger.
Ford will need to come up with a snappy catch-phrase for his persona, since his usual mantra — “feed me more” — is already taken by Ryback.
It is expected that WWE will be a bit lax on their Wellness Policy testing in order to allow Ford’s debut.