Medical professionals nationwide are reporting a dramatic increase in jerichohol-related illness as fans of professional wrestling are drinking it in to excess.
“Jerichoholism is becoming an epidemic among men aged 18-34 — particularly those who subscribe to the WWE Network,” says Dr. Bob Ponovich of Harvard Medical School.
“We advise that people use moderation and only drink some of it in, man.”
With jerichoholism on the rise, there has been a simultaneously upswing in the membership of Jerichoholics Anonymous (JerAnon), which offers a 12-step recovery program:
Step One: Admit you are powerless over jerichohol (and, in some cases, Kevinopiates)
Step Two: Submit to a higher power (Vince McMahon)
Step Three: Make a list of the 1,004 ways jerichohol has a hold on you
Step Four: Armbar
Step Five: Make a list of grievances and air them publicly
Step Six: Avoid filthy, dirty, disgusting, skanky, brutal, bottom-feeding, trash bag hos
Step Seven: Armbar
Step Eight: “Put over” those younger than yourself
Step Nine: When you encounter barriers to your sobriety, break the walls down
Step Ten: Armbar
Step Eleven: Moss-covered, three-handled family grudunzle
Step Twelve: Promise yourself that you’ll never, evvvvvvverrrr, drink it in to excess agayn