Legendary professional wrestler The Undertaker found himself straining his eyes to read his local newspaper after dusk yesterday, so he brightened a nearby lamp by outstretching his tattooed arms and slowly raising them.
As he made the eerie gesticulation, an ethereal mist swirled around his living room as the lamp brightened, and a thunderclap echoed eerily outside his Death Valley home.
“That’s better,” he said, adjusting his bifocals and returning to his La-Z-Boy recliner.
He then rolled his eyes back into his head so that only the whites were exposed — a technique he uses to stretch his ocular muscles, which grow weary easily due to his nearsightedness.
As a funeral dirge played on the nearby stereo, The Undertaker returned to reading a particularly funny strip of the comic Sherman’s Lagoon.