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Stone Cold denies vaccines cause Austinism

Steve Austin held a press conference today to officially deny linkages between vaccines and Austinism.

Steve Austin held a press conference today to officially deny linkages between vaccines and Austinism.

Legendary professional wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin spoke out today to officially deny allegations that childhood vaccinations are linked to Austinism.

The former multi-time World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) champion held a press conference at his Broken Skull Ranch this morning to “guaran-damn-tee” that vaccines can not turn children into trash-talking, mudhole-stomping badasses.

“Can vaccines cause Austinism? Uhh-uhhh!” said Austin in his unmistakable redneck growl. “Vaccines are completely safe and recommended means to prevent the the spread of harmful diseases, and that’s the bottom line because the medical establishment said so.”

Allegations that vaccines lead to hellraising, bird-flipping and other manifestations of Austinism are hallmarks of the growing “anti-vaxxer” movement, which was launched by Hollywood bimbo Jenny McCarthy after she accompanied Shawn Michaels to the ring at WrestleMania XI.

Critics of McCarthy insist that her allegations linking vaccines to Austinism are the result of her personal bias against Steve Austin, stemming from Austin’s legendary battle with Michaels at WrestleMania XIV.

While most medical experts deny the link between Austinism and vaccination, evidence does suggest a connection between Austinism and the consumption of two beers smashed together overhead and poured down one’s gaping gullet.

 

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