The United States of America was saved from near-catastrophe today after “Stone Cold” Steve Austin heroically hit Republican candidate Donald Trump with a Stone Cold Stunner, knocking the megalomaniacal mogul out of contention for the country’s presidency.
Jubilant celebrations broke out in cities and towns across America after Austin snuck up on Trump at a rally in New Hampshire, kicked him in the belly and ensnared him in the three-quarter facelock jawbreaker.
Austin had previously stunned Trump in 2007, but unfortunately for America its effects were only temporary and the xenophobic billionaire soon returned as the nation’s top heel.
Austin’s latest attack averted an apocalyptic “end of days” foretold in ancient religious texts. The Book of Austin, chapter three, verse 17, tells of a “wispy-haired demon of decadence vying for the Kingdom of man” who must be “slain by the rattlesnake.”
Austin later told reporters that, in prayer, he had asked God if it was his divine responsibility to save humanity by whipping Trump’s ass, and God replied with an emphatic: “Oh Heaven, yeah.”
Austin said he will soon stun the remaining presidential candidates because none are much better than Trump, and then he will become president by driving a beer truck into the White House.