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Punk quits UFC


CM Punk (right) never saw eye-to-eye with Dana White during their hours-long professional relationship.

Not even 24 hours after announcing that he will compete in the UFC Octagon, former WWE Superstar CM Punk has walked away from the deal, insisting that “it just wasn’t fun anymore.”

Punk appeared on an episode of Colt Cabana’s “Art of Wrestling” podcast today to break his hours-long silence about why he quit mixed martial arts, citing a list of grievances including mismanagement, unaddressed health problems, and the absence of UFC ice cream bars.

“Being in UFC was awesome for the first few hours, but after that I just kept adding notches to my frustration badge,” he said, using a peculiar metaphor invented by Cabana during a previous conversation.

Punk explained that, since joining UFC yesterday, he has constantly sacrificed his health and happiness for the company without proper acknowledgement from boss Dana White, so this morning he abruptly returned to the Chicago house that wrestling fans bought for him.

“I’m already so much happier,” he said. “I honestly haven’t been this happy in, like, hours.”

Although Punk has every right to choose whatever career path he desires, and owes nobody anything, thousands of irate, semiliterate UFC fans are already calling him a “quieter.”

Punk is reportedly considering several new career options, including pro hockey, the US Presidency, and chief lyricist for the Wu Tang Clan.

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