Proving the adage that you should never trust a snake, former professional wrestler Jake Roberts has betrayed his friend and savoir Diamond Dallas Page by launching a competitor to Page’s DDP Yoga program called DDT Yoga.
Showing callous ingratitude for Page, whose renowned DDP Yoga system saved Roberts’ life from spiralling addiction and ill-health, Roberts announced today that his DDT Yoga program “is totally sssssssuperior to the competition.”
Roberts has stolen many of the trademark stretches and exercises from Page’s yoga repertoire but added many new techniques of his own, including:
- The Slither, with which participants “strengthen their obliques by writhing like serpents”
- The Coil, a core-strengthening abdominal crunch exercise
- The DDT, which purports to strengthen neck muscles via repeated head-first drops to the floor
- The Strike, a biceps-and-triceps exercise inspired by Santino Marella’s “Cobra” maneuver
On a DVD video called “Jake The Snake’s DDT Yoga,” Roberts cryptically encourages participants to persevere through the exercises “in stanch defiance of the existential dread that inevitably grips those who follow the darks Way of the Serpent.”
Page is reportedly “furious” that his long-time friend and yoga trainee would so blatantly steal his ideas, although he admits that, given Roberts’ cunning deviousness in the wrestling ring, he “probably should have seen it coming.”
Scott Hall, meanwhile, has announced the launch of a new health program that helps smokers kick the habit by chewing toothpicks.