God, the omnipotent and omniscient creator of the Universe, broke His millennia-long silence today to insist that He never bore witness to any of the exaggerated incidents as described by pro wrestling commentator Jim Ross.
“Mick Foley was not broken in half,” God said in a booming voice from Heaven.
“I have watched that Hell in a Cell match, like, a dozen times, and JR is stretching the truth. I should know — Foley is God, after all.”
During Ross’ long tenure as a WWE commentator, he frequently invoked the Lord’s name when making hyperbolic exclamations about in-ring action, often pleading for divine mercy when things got too violent: “For the love of God, stop the damn match!”
God, not seeing any reason to stop any match that was clearly a pantomimed “work” of simulated violence, always allowed the bouts to continue.
During His rare public oration, God also cleared up a few other misconceptions about Him:
- Mordecai is his loyal earthly servant, who will one day return for the Day of Judgement
- God did not compete in a tag team match with Shawn Michaels against The McMahons — that was just a spotlight
- Hell is indeed in a cell, but it doesn’t have foot-holes cut out for easy climbing
God ended His thunderous oration with a direct message to Jim Ross: “It’s pronounced God, you Okie, not Gawd.”