After years of living an outwardly straight-edge lifestyle, professional wrestler CM Punk courageously came out of the closet yesterday and confessed that he is actually gay-edge.
For years, Punk professed a drug-free, alcohol-free “straight-edge” way of life, but yesterday he admitted that he had been “living a lie.”
Punk confessed that he has been secretly enjoying “gay-edge” vices, such as drinking the occasional white-wine spritzer and indulging in excessive doses of fabulousness.
Though he has long portrayed himself as an misunderstood loner, Punk confessed that he actually prefers to go shoe shopping with a bunch of guy friends to indulge in “retail therapy.” He also confessed that he doesn’t actually like hardcore punk music, and instead prefers Kylie Minogue, Judy Garland and ABBA.
Despite being typically seen wearing jeans and a tattered hoodie, in private Punk prefers to wear mesh tank tops that show off his bare midriff and cut-off jean shorts that “make my butt look deeee-lish,” as he put it.
“From now on I want to be known as the Gay-Edge Superstar,” Punk tweeted.
“Now I just have to get my tummy tattoo touched-up.”