Controversial Hollywood bad boy Charlie Sheen will be the special “Social Media Ambassador” during the 1,000th episode of WWE Raw, despite his flagrant violations of every aspect of the WWE Wellness Policy.
During the historic three-hour Raw broadcast, Sheen — whose urine contains traces of every substance banned by WWE, as well as several “mystery substances” — will write pithy 140-character observations on Twitter for the amusement of his 7 million followers.
WWE’s decision to recruit Sheen for the role flies in the face of WWE’s strict drug-testing policy, which mandates a 30-day suspension for marijuana use, but somehow overlooks the fact that Sheen’s blood glows in the dark because it’s so saturated with stimulants, opioids and other narcotics.
Substances found in a urine sample, which Sheen willingly submitted to WWE medics, include: cocaine, marijuana, crystal meth, Crystal Light, tiger blood, Jedi force, ICO-Pro, crude oil, plutonium, unobtainium, gypsy tears and a trace amount of Flintstones vitamins.
A spokesman for WWE stated that Sheen will be allowed to participate in the landmark Raw because the Wellness Policy rules “only apply to in-ring performers,” and also because “Sheen is only interesting when he seems totally wigged out on something.”