Amid escalating violence, widening cultural divides, and a preposterous carnival of a presidential race, millions of Americans are seeking solace in the relative normalcy and logic of professional wrestling.
“I can’t watch another minute of the insanity on CNN, but that trombone guy in The New Day seems like a lovely fellow,” commented one Minnesota grandmother.
“And although Bray Wyatt may be a little peculiar, he’s a sage scholar and a gentleman compared to Trump.”
Ratings of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) programming have skyrocketed in recent weeks, apace with the real-life horrors that are turning the United States into a dystopian nightmarish hellscape.
US President Barack Obama has urged all Americans to “seek comfort in the preposterous, over-the-top cartoon storylines of WWE,” because they are “far more sensible than anything we’ve got going on right now.”
A recent gallup poll reveals that a whopping 93 percent of Americans will only feel hopeful about the future if the presidential race is somehow won by Jack Tunney.