According to a renowned spiritual medium, legendary professional wrestler Andre the Giant is enjoying eternal bliss in heaven, tied up in the pearly ropes for a never-ending rest hold.
“Andre is happy and comfortable now, his arms intertwined with heaven’s infinite ring ropes,” said psychic Sylvia Browne during a recent CNN appearance. “He has all eternity to catch his breath.”
During the later years of his professional wrestling career, Andre the Giant often found himself ensnared in the top and middle ropes of a ring, inexplicably unable to free himself despite being a colossal and powerful man.
Back then, his opponents would seize the opportunity to stomp, punch and taunt him (and, occasionally, terrify him with a snake).
But Andre endures no such torment now. The delicate ring ropes gently massage his arms, and winged angels appear at regular intervals to pour bottles of red wine into his mouth.
Andre was almost denied entry to heaven after his 1993 death, after it was revealed that he had torn a crucifix from Hulk Hogan’s neck during an episode of Piper’s Pit. But God forgave Andre of the sacrilegious transgression, mainly because God is a reportedly a “huge fan” of The Princess Bride.