The world is in shock today after the United States of America — long considered a brash but lovable babyface — made a dramatic heel turn last night.
After a decades-long run as a shining bastion of freedom and equality, America pulled the ultimate swerve with a heel turn fuelled by anger, racism, misogyny, and a penchant for shouting.
It is expected that America’s “push” as a top heel will last four years — or until America is suspended for a Mental Wellness Policy violation, which seems inevitable.
Although America’s heel run has just begun, some pundits are expecting the country to establish its new identity with some classic heel moves, including:
- Sticking the Canadian flag up its nose
- Mocking the sports teams of other countries
- Nuking other countries when the United Nations’ back is turned
- Using illegal foreign objects to pummel illegal foreign immigrants
The mouthpiece of America’s heel turn, an orange balloon topped with cotton candy and filled with hot air, said last night: “It’s a new World order, brother, and we are taking over!”